last post of the year...

Today shuts the curtains on 2008.

A new year is hiding in the wings.  Could I write this any more dramatically?

I hope you all have thought of your new year's resolutions by now.  Mine is the same this year as it has been for last few years.  Floss.  I feel bad about it every time I go to the dentist.  Hopefully this year I can say more truthfully that I flossed everyday, or once a week... 

This year has been as full of change, opportunity and excitement as any year preceding it.

-I am older, for better or for worse.

-The marathon primary and presidential election are over.

-I have a new baby brother, at age 22.

-I played my last soccer game.

-I went to New York for the third time, on my second missions trip.

-I started a blog.

-The economy tanked and gas prices went down.

-I am almost officially done with my bachelor's degree, 7 credits of shy of more responsibility.

-I'm in love with my dearest friend... and closer to understanding what it means to fall in love with my Savior.

I know I am forgetting things... if you find one that is glaring in its absence, let me know.

I am excited for the new year, and for the good it will bring, and the struggles.  Writing this blog has shown me even more clearly how much I learn through pain... still, I'd rather not deal with it most days.

To close out I thought I would share with you my picks for '08.  These are new albums, movies and some books that have been influential or that I have enjoyed over this year.  Some of them are not new, but I thought I would share them anyway.

Album of the Year: For Emma, Forever Ago... Bon Iver

--This album was my consistent favorite over the course of the year, it is definitely a classic in my mind.  Haunting.

Runners-up: Fleet Foxes' Fleet Foxes , Coldplay's Viva La Vida

Movie of the Year: The Dark Knight 

--I can't say no to a good super-hero movie.

Runners-up: Wall-E

Book of the Year: Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller

--These books are not new... but I don't usually read recent best-sellers.  These were extremely thought-provoking reads for me this summer.  If you ever want to read them and discuss them with me, I would love it.

Runners-up: Pensees by Blaise Pascal (definitely old, definitely great)

Well, I think that's it.  I hope you are excited for the new year, and that you can look back on this past one and see how God has had His hand on your life... He loves you today and forever.

So long 2008.

jesus-blind

Christmas is over.  My last blog was about anticipation and a craving for light.

Did I find it?  Or did I lose it, and experience subsequent disappointment?

Well, in some ways I felt like I missed it all together.

School got out later than ever.  I didn't make cookies.  I shopped for presents on the 22nd and 23rd.  I missed having solitude time with God from roughly the 16th to the 28th (due to busyness and well, oversleeping).

The third missed opportunity is probably the best diagnosis for my disease.  Jesus-blind.  

I'm convinced.  I don't just miss out on light and Jesus at Christmastime.  It is a year-round phenonmenon.  I am in a continual process of falling and getting up again.  The falling is of my own volition, the getting up requires divine help.

I wish I could make it to a place where I don't fall into formulaic prayers and lukewarm spirituality.  The funny things is, these things that I desire most I find when I am weakest.

When I am wrong, I find forgiveness in Jesus.

When I am weak, I find strength in Him.

When I committed the same sin that trips me up week after week, in Him I find grace.

This past weekend was a spiritual valley... I beat myself up inside over my mistakes... I swung twice and missed.  I looked at my blank journal.  Strike three.

My dearest friend prayed for me, and that encouraged me to seek my Father.

I started to pray again.  I broke out of my formula, and prayed about the things that were plaguing me.

I stopped worrying about my penmanship and what people would think if they read about my struggles.  God knows I am still being sanctified, I shouldn't forget that either.

I am at peace today, I saw a glimpse of Jesus.  My problems are shrinking in light of His face.

christmas in november

I started listening to Christmas music earlier this year, in hopes of preventing Christmas Day disappointments.

I hope I am not the only one who has experienced what I am referencing. That feeling of emptiness after four advent weeks of expectation. The gifts are opened, the cookies are almost gone (unless you are at Grandma Carol's), and the needles are falling of the tree. Inevitably, I write a Christmas journal about the sadness I feel.

I don't mean a shallow sadness, it runs deep and almost aches.

It isn't the presents. I like giving them away. It isn't the cookies. I am allergic to them. It isn't the trees, they are evergreen all year long... just not inside my home.

It's the Light... it's Jesus.

Something about December, and the focus on the Savior always makes you feel closer to Him. It is easier to believe that Peace came to earth when we see His people at peace with each other.

I wish I was at the manger, stroking the head of the Savior of the world. My desire for a touch from God resurfaces in December... my Thomas heart leaps at the sight of Nativity scenes and Light, bright Light.

Do visible manifestations of God coming to earth make you feel His nearness, the God who is there?

I long to be near Jesus in December, and the 25th always reminds me of this frail body that still keeps me from eternal communion with Him... the One who came to redeem this mortal flesh.

Each passing day reminds me how desperately I need Jesus, and how much I want to serve Him until He calls me home.

Even if it makes me sad, I am eagerly expecting Christmas. Sometimes, sadness is good. It reminds us of the One who wipes away tears, and sent His Son so that all weeping may one day cease.

why does God allow the bad bounce?

The last couple weeks have been trying ones for my soccer team. We lost two playoff games in two separate tournaments... one for NAIA and one for NCCAA. We are a currently waiting to see if we get an at large bid for NCCAA, it's a complicated system... if you want to ask later, I'll fill you in.

After our first loss the team was struggling, questioning why it had to happen. My coach asked that if any of us had thoughts about the game that we would write them out and share them. I sent out this email to the team, and it was requested that I share it on my blog. So, pardon any soccer jargon, I wrote it to my teammates.

Why does God allow the bad bounce?

I know a lot of us have struggled with the “Why does God allow teams like ours to lose and teams like St. Xavier win?” We have all the pieces… we love God, He blessed us with soccer skills, and we love this team. The energy we get from being together is magical, and so far we have been blessed with success…. why did God stop blessing us just short of NAIA?

First off, God doesn’t usually bless His children in the most chronological, understandable way. He often withholds blessing for many years, and sometimes doesn’t bless His children in their lifetime on earth, sometimes He blesses the descendants with the fulfillment of His promises.

Do you all remember the story of Abraham? God spoke to Abraham and told him he would give him a son, and that his descendants would be like the stars in the sky. Problem was Abraham and his wife were old, and Sarah had probably gone through menopause a couple decades earlier. Abraham believed God, and God gave him a son…twenty-five years after the first time God told him he would make him a great nation! Talk about patience.

Other characters in the Old Testament also show us how waiting for the blessing isn’t easy either. Joseph was a slave in Egypt and thrown in jail even though he was innocent. The Israelites were slaves in Egypt 300 hundred years. Paul was beaten and thrown in jail for spreading the gospel.

God loved Joseph, the Israelites, Paul, and Abraham very deeply. And He redeemed them by sending His Son Jesus to die for them…. in Paul’s lifetime, but centuries after many of them had passed away.

So, what I am getting at is this… God loves you, and He loves this team. And I believe He is not finished with us yet. I want you all to remember that being a “deserving” Christian doesn’t mean that the story book gets written the way we wish it would. Sure, I wanted to go to NAIA… I know all of you wanted to. It seemed like the next step for our team, but it is step that will be taken another season by another team.

I have never learned the greatest lessons of my life through my greatest victories. Most of the important things I have learned have been through suffering and painful experiences that I would have escaped if given the option. But looking back, I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I can’t promise you that we will experience success this coming weekend, or in any of the upcoming games our team may be given. We may experience triumph, and we may struggle. What I can promise you is that God is still faithful, and He loves us. Do you believe that? Let that truth sink into the deepest parts of your soul. God loves you, and His plan for you is greater than you can imagine, win or lose.

We have a little time left together as the 2008 Trinity Women’s soccer team. Let’s practice and play for His glory. Run with your hearts girls… bring your Heavenly Father pleasure with your sacrifice.

I love you!
Abby

peace in the midst of bruises

I can hardly stay awake. My legs ache like never before... well, maybe a few times before. I feel like a bruised bag of bones. Yet, I am incredibly satisfied.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. happy. For those who know me, this is an anomaly. I usually take about an hour to wake and find my smile in the morning. But today, life was good. I was glad to be alive.

My team played in the conference tournament semi-final match today, and won after double-overtime and penalty kicks. A bit of a nail-biter, but awesome. My dad said he was having heart attacks listening to our game on the internet.

I was excited to play this game today, and the nerves set in later than usual. This is it. I am a senior. My dad said I am full of sports clichés these days, and he is probably right. My team has to take it one game at a time. In 90 minutes, it could all be over.

I wasn't sure why I was so happy this morning... usually my stomach is tied in knots from the moment my alarm goes off. Today, I experienced a peace that passed my understanding.

I know where this peace came from, it came from the Prince of Peace. Everyday I spend away from His feet, I realize how desperately I need Him.

"... and the Peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:7

Many things tried to steal my peace today... a psychology test, bad passes in the game, or cheap fouls. And even though I may have stumbled, God is still kept me in His hands, and His peace covered me.

Heavenly Father, please help me rest in You, and help others find their peace in You as well.

drama, love, and maggots

My eyes casually browsed the salmon-colored pages of my syllabus while the professor lectured on class absences and participation. Group project: 12% of final grade. I suppress a sigh and begin to scan the room for possible “group members,” hoping that my smart, hardworking friends have not already created a posse without me…

I have never liked group projects. I always feel like I have experienced a mini-defeat regardless of the grade assigned. For some projects, I have worked less, and therefore I learned very little. Or, for other projects, I wanted to do all the work myself to secure that golden A (and all the credit that comes with it).

My brother, sister, and I couldn’t quite figure out the group project growing up. Dad asked us for one thing for Father’s Day. One thing. A comic book. An original character and story, inked by his three oldest children. That was seven years ago. Captain Fox is still underwater in Professor Octo’s lair… the world created by Isaac, Michal, and I may never be conquered or saved. Poor Dad, I don’t know if he ever recovered.

Group projects are hard because it means you have to work with people, people who have their own agendas, opinions, and emotions.

Working with people is messy. It’s easy to hear talks about loving one another, forgiving one another, and servant leadership. We all agree with it in theory. But actually practicing it? That is a different animal indeed.

It is easy to become bitter towards people who miss cues and stumble over lines I wrote for them. If everyone acted out their part in Abby’s life drama, we’d all be okay. My whitewashed tomb only has room for my worms and filthy rags.

It’s hard to love people who hurt you and bring their worms into your life.

But, it’s not my drama, it is God’s story. And He asks you and me to be a part of it. My hang up is that the Kingdom is not about me writing fairy tales in my ivory tower. It means me washing your feet, turning my cheek, and giving all that I have and all that I am.

The crazy thing is, once I get past the “me” factor… and focus on my Savior, you, and all the people that surround me everyday… I find joy and peace.

Today I was so happy. I couldn’t even explain it, I didn't know why I felt so peaceful. But I realized that I have begun to believe again, believe that God is sanctifying me, and sanctifying His children around me. I am falling in love with God, and that love is spilling over to others.

So, maggots and all Jesus loves me. He died for me, and died for you and your maggots too. So, this whole group project thing… want to work for the Kingdom with me?

the dying fire must be stirred

I've said it before. I love storms. I fear the drought. I relish the healing rush of rain, and the glorious smell that lingers as the clouds pass on. I am afraid of dry heat... heat that saps the land of its strength, killing young and old.

My affinities to certain weather systems aptly diagnose my feelings towards the creative process, and even my spirituality. I worry too often that I will lose my creative edge in a drought of ideas and inspiration. As days and weeks pass, widening the gap between me and my last creative pursuit, I begin to wonder if God has removed His hand of blessing from my imagination. Rather than ask Him for a fresh outpouring creativity, I begin to focus on what I can do to light the fire... when the best thing I can do is ask my Heavenly Father to ignite it once again.

My spiritual life often follows a similar pattern... I spend the rainy days of blessing worrying about the coming drought. I am experiencing drought, and the worst part is I know it is my fault. I have neglected spending time with my God, and I feel far from Him. I have been recovering, crying out to Him... begging for His presence. I know that my God will never forsake me, and that I cannot be snatched from His hand. However, I can still experience the pain of loneliness when I don't invest in the relationship that was bought at so great a price.

I am pursuing my Jesus, and the peace that covers my soul when I rest in His presence. Hear my cry, sweet Redeemer... draw me to You, let me walk in Your perfect ways.