Thursday, July 2, 2009

joy?

I haven't written on here lately, not because I have not been writing, but because I have been using a different medium.  Tim gave me a gift, a typewriter, for putting my thoughts to the page in a more tangible form of expression than the world of cyberspace. The typewriter is the perfect mix of handwriting and typing... you still physically put the words on the page without the fatigue that comes from writing it out by hand.  It's pretty awesome, especially because I love tangible things.

Joy.  One very un-tangible thing.  And something that I do not understand most days.
Here is what I wrote on my typewriter last week....

As I walked downstairs to my room, I pondered this question:

On a given day, that is free from tragedy or extreme ecstasy, I can choose to think about hundreds of wonderful things or many terrible things about life.

Today, I want to think about wonderful things.  In spite of a particularly negative thought that plagued me in the kitchen.  Our softened water dries out my hair.

I think things like softened water make me waste that happier days we are given in life.  The days where nothing terrible has happened... the days where I am given a choice... a choice of joy or something more depressing.

I want to know what it means to be a joyful person.  That eludes me.  It is a difficult concept for me, because the days I need it most are the days I desire it the least.  Days where I am so destroyed emotionally, I can't even imagine happiness.

Definition. I think most people would say I'm confusing joy and happiness. Then what is joy?
Is it really something like peace, trust?

....So that was a typewriting entry, but I have still continued to think about joy.  I think it is funny that on the very same day something wonderful happens to you, on a day where a prayer is answered in a big way... you can still be a little down in the dumps in the very same breath of thankfulness.

A little disconcerting, isn't it? That was me yesterday.  A big prayer was answered for Tim and I.  We now know where we live and work and serve.  We were ecstatic.  And yet, I still found things to be a little annoyed with, a little afraid of, a little doubt.

You don't expect an attack on a happy day.  Where's the joy?

Obviously, joy doesn't come from me.  I know it comes from God.  And I need to ask Him for it.  Trust in Him, in the middle of difficult days, or even just boring days.

It reminds me of my early understanding of the fruit of the spirit.  I considered the fruits as a list of things that I could put on my wall and check off daily.  Gentleness, check. Peace, check. Self-control, half-check.  Goodness, fail.  I was very sad that I couldn't seem to have a day full of fruit.  More often than not my vine of self-works was a bit shriveled.

Finally I heard the truth... these fruits are not of yourselves, God grows them in you.  So, since joy happens to be on that list, why did I ever come to think it was about me?  It is God working in me if there is anything on that list present in my life, why don't I ask Him more often?

"These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may remain full." John 15:11

That sounds like a joy worth having.  It is real.  It is Jesus.  Jesus, please give me Your joy.  Please take away the selfishness and sadness inside of me.  You are my Joy, You are my Peace.

1 comment:

Karen B said...

I do know those days, Abby. I had one yesterday. Your post here is encouraging!