acute competitor's syndrome

I have tried so hard.  I want to be a woman of peace- gentle, forgiving, and quiet.  But Scrabble brings out the ugliest parts of my character.

Well, Wordigo to be exact... a sort of speed scrabble game, if you will.

I have always been, well, a little too competitive.  Several posts back, you might recall my infant card stacking during a game of Candyland....

I beat mom and Grandma handily at Monopoly Jr. a couple years after the Candyland incident, and earned the name "Miss Moneybags" for my ruthless acquisition of properties and hotels.

This last summer I routinely creamed the kids I nannied at Boggle, and became slightly peeved when Jordan finally beat me at a card game.

What monster stares at me from the Pretty Pretty Princess mirror?

Don't blame me, I have ACS.

You might not want to run with me, both my dog Jemima and I have a similar tic.  We have to be in front.  We go down the prairie path together jockeying for the best position.  Luckily age is starting to slow me and Jemima down.

I wish I didn't have to win.  I become flustered when I lose, it's like my self-worth... wait a second.

Embarrassingly enough, when I take a look at my competitive nature, I realize that I thought winning would make people love and respect me.

If I just got perfect grades, people would think I was the smartest.  If I won the 400m and lowered my time by a second, I would be the fastest.  If I was the best, people would love me, and those who already loved me would love me more.

I could be great, a superkid.

I never thought the above in the most clear of terms, but I have always relished the triumph of momentary excellence.  But excellence isn't everything, neither is triumph.

Don't you know child that the only great one is God?  And your successes are but dust?

All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.  The grass withers, the flower fades, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass.  The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever. --- Isaiah 40:6-8

If I throw away my trophies and awards a few months after I receive them, I doubt God cares much for them either.

I should remember that Jesus died for me, the fleshy sinner, stripped of all my masks and honors.  His love is that strong and unfathomable.

If I spent less time during board games caring about the score, maybe my loved ones would know how much I loved them.

Scrabble scores fade, love endures forever.