grace repeller

I have written before about how I used to be terribly afraid of hell. My fear of of fire, darkness, and utter loneliness kept me awake at night. I became superstitious and systematic in my spirituality. I read certain verses before going to sleep because I felt more secure after reading them. I said certain prayers to God and prayed against the powers of hell.

It was compulsive. Legalistic. I was afraid of removing something from my routine, it might just send me to.....

I wanted so desperately to go to heaven and be with Jesus. But I was afraid that He wouldn't let me in. I must have committed a secret sin against Him... one that would keep me away from my loved ones and my God for eternity.

I kind of thought nobody else struggled with this, but I have come to learn otherwise- other people also struggle with eternity uncertainty... especially in Christian circles with those of us who came to Christ at a young age.

Frankly, we possess a goodness that repels.

Or, at least a faulty understanding of who we are. We have lived a grace-filled and grace-covered life for so long, we think somehow we get to heaven by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. The blessings we received, we must have somehow merited. And then we sin. Our errors stare us down. Our goodness is no longer sufficient in our own eyes.

I thought God couldn't love a once-redeemed sinner like me. You gave me grace once Lord, now it is my turn to earn it. My goodness made me think that somehow God chosen me, Abby the Pharisaical Christian. My prayers, my Bible, my pleading with God must make me more desirable.... He must have mercy.

He has had mercy. His name is Jesus. He has forgiven every sin.

Even yesterday's? Even yesterdays, and the ones to come. Can I trust Him that He will never let me go?

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

If you are anything like me, you skipped reading those verses because you have heard them before. You know the promises, but they haven't sunk into your soul.

Ask God for knowledge of His grace. I have been on a sort of quest for the past few months to understand what it means for me, Abby, to live in God's grace. Daily I understand it a little more. I think it will take a lifetime. But I don't mind, eternity with the Giver of grace will follow.