love's roar

I just wanted to share a poem that recently became the lyrics for a song Tim and I recorded together. The poem came out of a time of weakness a couple weeks ago. I hope you enjoy it.

You said love, You said peace
My eyes saw stains upon my heart
You said there's grace, You said I'm free
And still I stay, and still I grieve

I knocked myself down to the floor
Before You could raise me up
You stretched Yourself, Your tendons tore
And still I lay there, bruised and sore

I draw my lids, and scar my mind
I lose myself, I weep and cry
Why do You care, will I still find?
You thunder, roar, and yet are kind?

I do not know You, I said I did
I claimed Your name and said forgive
I rise and seek my sins to rid
And still I'm weak, and still I live

You said it's finished, I changed your name
Your sins forgot, your sins are gone
Why don't you trust, your life is mine...
I am Love, My roar divine.

If you want to hear the song for these words you can go to our myspace.
http://myspace.com/timothyandabigail

humble love

Last week it felt like my sins and struggles were delivered to me on a platter. A platter with dead carcasses and flies. Dirty flies.

I could hardly bear it. It is much nicer to have makeup on when you look at the mirror to your soul. Unfortunately for pride and ego, that mirror strips past your facades and shows your wretched nakedness. All your glory, all your stains.

My prayers were full of "I need Yous" and "Please." I realized, re-realized that I need God in the most desperate of ways. I was faced with my weakness and I prayed more fervently than I had in a long time.

The amazing thing was, in my weakness, I felt closer to God than I had felt in a while. I realized that He was using my desperate, despairing, dumpiest of days to draw me closer to Him. I was seeking Him hourly, rather than for a fifteen minute debrief once a day. And all the while, I knew that this crazed seeking was not of my own doing... it was God's work. I was humbled, please keep me humble Lord.

God also showed me how easy it is for me to love something other than Him. I love someone on earth so deeply, I am afraid to love God more. I worry that allowing God to take the throne, and knock out my idols, will destroy me. I become enraptured with the things of this earth, and the loves of the present... and I forget that I will never love those dearest to me the way God loves them... if I don't love Him first.

But this is painful. But it is good. Open heart surgery. I give God all of my heart, and He allows me to love others the way He does. The way is narrow, and few find it.

Take my weaknesses Lord, use them as You wish. Keep me humble, please don't let me go. Take my heart, my love is Yours.

straitjacket

I am constantly unconciously categorizing things in my own crazy i-think-i'm-an-artist way.  This is beautiful, haunting, moving, repulsive, crazy.  This is do-able, this is impossible.  This is possible for some, out of the question for me, etc., etc.  I place constraints on myself and others based on how well I understand the situation based on my experiences and knowledge.

The most unfortunate of straitjackets is the one that I put on God.

I underestimate His power.

I give out straitjackets based on my comfort level and knowledge of the situation.  I realize that my knowledge and understanding of God is limited and finite... I am always trying to re-box Him when He tears apart the wrapping paper.

But this is not the God I serve.  He is not tame, He cannot be conquered intellectually any more than He can be conquered physically or spiritually.

These mis-understandings cause confusion in my theology, they allow me to both doubt my salvation and think I have done something to earn the salvation I think I have lost.  A funny couple.  Of course I will doubt a salvation I have earned myself, the Lord knows I have done nothing to deserve it.  Filthy rags, filthy rags.

My religious legalism wraps its tentacles around my mind, and tries to put a leash on the power of God.  I think that I must do certain things to be pleasing to Him.

Then it happens... my secret sin knocks on my door, I let it in.  Suddenly, my forgiving Savior becomes a dictator bent on revenge.  I am afraid of Him.  I plead for forgiveness and feel like I cannot be forgiven.  I mentally brow-beat myself, and drag myself through the dirt.  Is this yet another form of pride, a pride that thinks my self-hate will somehow gain forgiveness?

If I feel terrible enough, maybe He will forgive.

This is not Jesus, this is someone created in my own head.  Jesus died on the cross to save me from the sins of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  No amount of confession or self-loathing will bring about my salvation.  He lavishes grace upon my life, and forgets my sins when I ask for forgiveness the first time.

Why is it so hard to accept His love?  I am continually missing the God who is there, who walks beside me, carries me, the Savior who never lets me go.  

Lord, let me know Your love.  Let me feel Your presence.  Give me grace, help me give grace to others.  Please open my blind eyes, and let me see Your lovely face.  I love You.

does it sink in?

Good Friday.  A day we specifically remember Jesus' death on the cross.  It is strange to think of what it would have felt like to be there on the first Good Friday... a day that was anything but good living in the midst of it.

The perfect Man, the Healer, the Teacher... the Innocent is falsely tried and hanged on a tree.  The darkness of that injustice, the darkness in the hearts of His followers.  They had dropped everything for the last 3 years, to follow Jesus, the Son of God.  Now this?

I wish I better understood the cost, the price that Jesus paid for my life.  Sometimes I get a glimpse of it. when I realize the depth of my own sins... I make a terrible mistake, an error that seems irremedial...  He paid for even this?  The weight of that sin was lifted by His sacrifice two-thousand years ago... what pain did it cost Him to bear the sins of the world?

If you have trouble imagining His suffering, I encourage you to look at a painting of Christ crucified.  It gets me everytime.  My Jesus, Lover of my soul... tortured for my sins.

Dwell on His sacrifice, marvel at His love.  The Prince of Peace, broken for you.  Lord, help us remember.

kingdom of heaven

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

my tiny culture

Today I had class. History and Structure of the English Language. If it sounds difficult, you're on to something.

My professor was talking about how we interact with other cultures linguistically, and how we often judge each other's intelligence and other things based on dialects.

This got me to thinking about my own culture. You know, the white Midwestern, I-Don't-Have-A-Culture culture. Like my previous blog about stereotypes, my culture is a lens through which I see the world, cracked as it may be. I am constantly trying to temper this lens and others lens I have acquired with the ultimate worldview, the Gospel.

I am amazed at my cultural smallness, and my inability to easily connect with other cultures because of the strong ties I have to the things of my own upbringing. My tiny, tiny brain starts to ache with all the -isms of this world, cultural customs, and callings. This realization has given me a new-found awe for the infiniteness of God. A God who knows every heart, every person, every tribe, every city, every culture. A God who knows everything, but is bound by nothing.

I will never be able to see things from God's viewpoint of my own volition. I wish there was a mountain tall enough to stand on and see the world accurately. I would climb it and wait for the clouds to part, and watch the sun shine upon the world's idiosyncracies, glories, and sins. Unfortunately, greats heights don't discern the heart of man or the mind of God.

Fortunately God has given me His Word, something I continue to study and wrestle with. He has also given me Himself through the sacrifice of His Son, and now I am His.

When I start from Scripture, rather than my culture... scales fall off my eyes. Things that I was fearful of before, whether death, people who are different than me, or even my own ignorance are declawed in the presence of an Almighty God. I'm amazed by His glory.

tim and abby sing

In the last month I haven't written at all because I discovered a new hobby, singing with my fiance Tim. Everyone has told me, "Abby, I didn't know you could sing." To which I intelligently replied, "Neither did I."

We have recorded four songs and posted them to a myspace, and on Saturday we had our first show at La Spiaza. This was old hat for Tim, a seasoned performer, but it was a new, exciting, and slightly terrifying experience for me. My cheeks burned red, and my hands were ice cold, but we had a lot of fun. The audience was comprised of family, friends, and a few coffee drinkers who happened to stop by.

We played some Tim Ophus originals, Tim and Abby songs, and covers. Hopefully, we will be getting another gig soon, I'll keep you posted.

If you are interested in hearing the tunes, check out this page:

http://myspace.com/timothyandabigail

I've been focusing on lyrics lately, but I'm hoping to be updating my dear blog more often, especially as my final semester in college is coming to a close.

Peace and love.

where passion and will collide

I often wonder where God wants me to go. Some days I wish He would give me a list or itinerary, one I that I could use to make sure I am in the center of His will. I want to serve Him with my gifts... I want to give Him all of me, but I worry. I worry that service won't pay the bills. I worry that my desire to serve the Creator is selfish... or imprudent?

Which leads me to the dilemma, how does one discover God's will, when your own will and societal pressures are screaming for attention?

It is difficult to make life decisions when there are things that seem prudent and safe, and others that seem, well, a little dangerous. I am wondering if this is what it means to follow Christ, a little danger, a little earthly uncertainty in exchange for heavenly security.

Jesus told His disciples to not lay up for themselves treasures on earth, and he told them not to worry about earthly possessions (Matthew 6). I know these passages like the back of my hand, but they don't sink into my heart. Do I really trust that God will take care of me if I seek to serve Him in the areas I am passionate about?

I'm okay with losing the battle and the war of the wills to God. His will has always proved itself in my life to be perfect, good, and exactly what I needed... even when I had a better idea.

I want to serve God, in the most radical and mundane of ways. I'm okay with whatever He is calling me to, as long as I am close to Him. He is my passion, my life is no longer my own.