dogs, lions, and ballerinas

I am pretty sure everyone starts asking you the question, "What are you going to do with your life?" before you get into college. They start asking when you start talking, by saying "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And oh the beautiful choices. The choices are offered even earlier with baby-sized baseball caps, fire trucks, toy kitchens, miniature easels, and so on. I certainly was interested in what I would "do" as a grown-up. Here is the evolution of my future plans:

4 yrs: Ballerina, in love with pink.
6 yrs: Vet, then after dog-dander allergy discovery, became future marine biologist.
8 yrs: World Cup soccer player.
10 yrs: Author/artist
12 yrs: Author/artist/concert pianist

And finally, as a teenager I wanted to be something that combined writing/drawing/piano with a passion for ministry... I decided I would be missionary teacher.

I was terrified. I was going to screw this up. What if I don't become what God wants me to be? What if He wants me to be something I don't want to be? Back when I wanted to be a world class soccer player I had a vision. I was sitting in the van while my mom ran into the store. A vision of the African continent was floating in my mind's eye, and I started to cry. I believed God was calling me to missions and I was too afraid to go. I didn't want to leave my family and live in a hut in lion country... and I didn't want locals to offer me grubs on a leaf a la carte.

My mom came back to the van to find her nine year old in the grips of an emotional crisis. She told me that I didn't have to worry, if God said go to Africa, He would prepare me and He would be with me. I felt better but I wasn't convinced.

My chameleon dreams haunted me in college... I transferred schools, considered transfer, changed my major, and considered major changes... the usual suspects. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to serve God, and write.

I entered college with a laundry list of things to do: play soccer, study abroad, go on missions trips, be a wilderness camp counselor... on and on and on. And now, with my senior year approaching, I can look back and see that I accomplished many things, but I didn't do everything on my list.

I thought if I didn't do everything, and prepare myself for anything, God couldn't use me. I wanted to be the smartest, most skilled, cleanest vessel God had ever used for ministry.

Wait a second, how much of this is about God anyway? How much of this is about the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross? I have had a pretty me-centered view, one that reeks with self-fulfillment and actualization.

God has a tendency... He uses the unlikely, the under-prepared. He doesn't mind taking the scum of the earth and making them His sons and daughters. Shepherds were the first to see baby Jesus. Fishermen were His disciples. In Jesus' genealogy there are second sons, foreigners, murderers, and prostitutes.

I am not afraid; I don't need to prove myself to the world. What is required of me? I need to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8). That's right, walk in humility. It's not about me, God can make me whatever He wants. And, as the Creator and Savior of my soul and personhood... Giver of any gift that I possess... His plan will be the most fulfilling. Show me where to walk Lord, I will follow.