entitled

In my short life I have thought a lot about myself, and about the things that I believe I deserve.

I become distressed and disagreeable when things don't go according to my plan, whether that is something small like doing the dishes instead of reading a novel, or something big like moving away from home to another state or going to a college I didn't expect to attend.

My first response is usually a woe-is-me attitude.  Why do these things happen to me?  All I want is a little free time, a home by the beach, education at the school of my choice, and an all expense paid trip to Europe.  Is that too much to ask?

Not if our world revolves around me.

So often my joy is stolen because I think I am entitled to some vague happiness that can only be satisfied by earthly love or material gain.  I want to have adventures, and since I am young and able-bodied...why not?

The problem is, I don't deserve anything.  What amazing talent sets me apart from the rest of the human race and demands that I should be pampered?  Nothing.  It is because of the grace of God that I have been given what I have, and there are no guarantees that that will not be taken away from me.

Do I believe that God still loves me if I am not utterly satisfied with everything and every circumstance?

What about the poor?  Does God love them less because they have less?  Throughout scripture God shows concern for the poor..."You, O God, provided from Your goodness for the poor." (Psalm 68:10)  So if God cares for the poor,  I think it is safe to assume that He has taken care of me as well in my comfortable middle class home, with a bed, clothing, and food to eat everyday.

What about those afflicted with the mental retardation?  Does God care any less for my sisters with autism, whose deficiencies may prevent them from ever going to college or getting married? I don't think so.  They are the children of the kingdom, and Jesus welcomes them to Himself.

What does it mean for me to become poor in spirit, so that I too might be blessed?  How can I become pure in heart, so that I too might see God?

Well, I don't think I will ever see God if I am always looking at me.  Father in heaven, let me seek Your face.