wanting to be john

I used to not like John. I mean the apostle John. I was so frustrated every time I read his gospel and he would refer to himself as the "one Jesus loved."

I thought it was so prideful to single himself out as the one that Jesus loved out of all the other disciples. What made him so special? I was jealous. I wanted to be the "one that Jesus loved." I wanted to be sitting at the table with my head on His breast, listening to Him speak about His kingdom.

I wasn't only jealous of John, I was jealous of anyone who had a special encounter with God in the Bible. I wanted God to step into my life like He had stepped into theirs. I wanted Him to tell me that I was born again, come and ask for water at my faucet, heal my cousin, have dinner at my house. I wanted to hug Jesus, touch His face. I used to dream about what it would be like to hug Jesus... all I could imagine was light, blinding light and a feeling of safety.

I think we all want to experience specific, special, one and only love. I wanted this love from God, what I didn't realize is that He had given it to me; I just wasn't able to understand it. It was hard because I wanted to physically experience His presence. It is difficult to understand how an infinite, eternal being loves a finite one. I know that I am capable of love, but not of loving the whole human race the way God does. I can only love a few people deeply, and wish for the good of many. But to really love others, know them intimately, and step into their suffering and weakness, that is divine. I project upon God the capabilities of my love, assuming that because I cannot be intimate with everyone, He cannot either.

It is wonderful to realize that the God who loved John, loves me. The Jesus who died for John, died for me, and died for everyone. I do see His love, I see His love through His Word, His creation, and through the people He has placed in my life.

Someday I will be in heaven with John and the ones I love. And I will see Jesus, He will touch my face, and I will be His.