It all began at four. I was lying in my bed in our family's apartment in South Carolina one night. I imagined that I was in a grave alone in a pitch black coffin. I was separated from my mom, my dad, and my brother. I was completely and utterly alone, and I cried in despair. Soon after this I trusted in Jesus as my Savior, seeing that He was the only way I could escape being separated from everything I held dear.
This did not erase my fear of eternity or even of death, however. Now I knew that I would not be alone, but eternity was such a very long time, and my idea of heaven at that point was a sterile, cloudy place where my mom and I would wear orange sleeping bags with head and arm holes and my brother and father would wear blue ones. Worshipping the Father in heaven forever seemed rather boring and ridiculous to me, and I couldn't imagine being in a church service for more than 45 minutes, much less thousands of years. I didn't think my voice would last that long. I loved Jesus with all my heart, but I couldn't understand what it would mean to be with Him and His Father forever.
When I started kindergarten we moved to Illinois and attended a Lutheran church. In Sunday School my teacher had us draw a picture of what we thought heaven would look like. I drew exactly what I wanted heaven to be: a very large swimming pool with a slide and diving board. I thought that if that was what heaven was, I would be satisfied staying there for more than a lifetime. I soon discovered that while heaven will be wonderful, it is not guaranteed that there will be a swimming pool (if you find that verse in Revelation let me know asap).
I have come to terms with that now, especially after reading C.S. Lewis' descriptions of heaven, more particularly in his book The Last Battle. In the book, at the end the children have died and they find themselves in a place that is wonderfully familiar, in fact, they are in a perfected Narnia. They can also travel to other lands, one of which looks a little like Great Britain. Aslan tells them to keep going "Further up and further in." It becomes more and more wonderful, until Lewis can no longer describe it because we have not yet been called home. This helped me understand that the God who created this world that I love and created everything in it that is good, is also the Lord of heaven. Heaven will be home, and if He knows how to make me happy here, how much more so will I be satisfied in heaven?
As far as worshipping the Lord in heaven, I have come to see that worship is not just singing in a service; but every act of being, if done for His glory, will be worship. Our fellowship, our service, our speech (and might I add artistic endeavors?) will all be done for His glory without the hindrance of our sinful bodies. What freedom is this? What joy unknown?
Even though I am sometimes overwhelmed by thoughts of years and years of unknown happenings in eternity, I have come to place where I long for them with all my heart. C.S. Lewis (yes, Lewis again) wrote two quotes that summarize my life to this point:
"It was when I was happiest that I longed most... the sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing... to find the place where all the beauty came from."
"I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
I have found that the longing for Jesus, the longing for peace, the longing for another world... these satisfy me. It was when I was holding on desperately to those things that I could not keep that I was conquered by fear.
I long for the day when Jesus will call me His beloved and hold me in His arms, and there will be no more darkness, no more goodbyes, and no more fear.
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